Welcome back to our new blog series where we take one of the many DMs that lands in our inbox (anonymously of course) and share our response (and flesh her out a tad). Want in? DM us here.

Q.
Hi Shedders,

Love your content! We’ve just gotten engaged and are in the early stages of planning our wedding. Both our parents have kindly offered to help pay for the wedding but have since started giving us a lot of unwanted recommendations on what our wedding should look like (one side in particular).

We’re very grateful that they have been so generous but are feeling like there’s now an expectation that we take on their recommendations, given their financial contribution. Plus, they’ve spoken about whole groups of friends of theirs as though it’s a given they’ll be invited to the wedding (when in fact, we want to to keep it to just *our* friends and family – and we’re already struggling with numbers).

Any chance you can help a stressed-sister out?

– @M.

A.
Hi M!

Firstly, I’d like to offer you a big virtual hug and a slow, knowing nod. Navigating expectations for your wedding is always hard – whether they come from family or strangers. And almost every couple has a story to tell.

We like to think of it as free therapy: survive family/peer-pressure in the lead-up to your wedding and you basically have the whole ‘happily ever after’ thing in the bag (just jks – for the record, family drama isn’t something to expect).

It really does make sense that things can feel murky when it comes to balancing financial contributions and also input from those contributors. You’re incredibly grateful, but need your folks to know that their generosity isn’t a ticket to Opinionville (population: them and, reluctantly, you and your partner).

Money or not, this is sensitive ground, so approach it delicately and with compassion. These are your parents who, at the end of the day, are on your side. They may not be aware of how their suggestions are coming across (or that they may be odds with what you guys want) or that you’ve been struggling with numbers. And there’s a good chance they’re just so excited about the wedding, they’re accidentally overstepping the mark with their well-meaning intentions.

Also, it’s worth keeping in mind that for an older generation, weddings often followed a very traditional format – they may not realise that this is no longer the case (and phewf, right?). It was pretty standard that parents invited family friends to their kid’s weddings back in “the day”. But weddings also were often held in backyards, churches and parks, had less frills and a lower cost-per-head.

Your wedding may also be beautifully relaxed and on the more low-key, affordable side but even so, it’s important to knock this one on the head early. The more days that pass by without you addressing your parent’s incorrect assumptions about your wedding, the more days you’ll have this burdening your headspace. And the more fresh assumptions will start to pop up for them, too.

Sit them down or weave into polite conversation while you’re incredibly grateful for their contribution, you don’t want to feel like it comes with certain strings attached. Give an example of what you mean when you say this. Outline your vision for your wedding and share how it’s really important for you to have a wedding surrounded by the people youwant there and that numbers are tight. Explain how this has been challenging you already, and as much as you may (or may not) wish you could have your entire network present, you’re having to draw tough lines somewhere.

Of course, be open to their ideas and requests (there may be room for compromise in area, like giving them a limit on how many friends they can invite each) but explain that ultimately, you’re working on making the wedding a true reflection of you and your partner (and the relationships you hold dear) and that you hope they will respect that.

I’d also suggest delegating some jobs/research tasks to them that you would (genuinely) like their help with – this way they feel involved and engaged (in a way that’s bigger than just handing over money).

Good luck!
Amy x

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